So Friday night was my friends’ and my secret society meeting — S.H.I.T. Club — the acronym for Shenanigans, Hijinks, Immaturity and Tomfoolery Club. There’s no world problem that cannot be resolved when 5 smart women start drinking vodka and brainstorming.
Misty, my favorite Texan, had already emailed her idea for solving the oil spill to some link on BP’s Web site. Helen Thomas made her hideous, anti-Semitic comment that very day, so of course, we “went there” as wily women will do when they’re drinking vodka and offended. Misty declared, “You can’t even drink her pretty” in that southern drawl of hers, coupled with her slowly emerging, snarky grin. Next up, I offered my expansive opinions on how to properly run the U.S. government, which I am sharing here, although this list is more abridged without vodka involved. Here’s my platform, and if you like it, elect me president next time out, okay?
#1. The Gold Standard will be reinstated. Our money will have actual value beyond the paper it’s printed on.
#2. Gays will be allowed to legally marry. I can’t BELIEVE this hasn’t happened already.
#3. Anchor babies and chain migration will be outlawed.
#4. No one can serve more than 2 terms in Congress. Ever. Career politicans are outlawed.
#5. Lobbyists will be outlawed. If ever there was stronger case of the fox in the henhouse, it’s our system allowing lobbying.
#6. A flat tax of 12% will be enforced for a period of 2 years, and then we will evaluate the results to see how it has affected our economy.
#7. Marijuana will be legalized, ingredient regulated and taxed heavily to wipe out the deficit.
#8. Drilling will begin in Alaska’s Anwar immediately.
#9. The San Joaquin Valley will have their irrigation restored and that stupid smelt fish will be placed with velvet gloves into an aquarium somewhere to reproduce to its heart’s content.
#10. Roe v. Wade won’t be overturned, but late-term abortion and abortion beyond 6 weeks of pregnancy will be outlawed.
#11. If you give up a child for adoption, you MUST submit your medical issues and updates to a private site so that the adoptee will have access to his/her medical information. (As an adoptee, I strongly believe in this mandate.)
#12. We will provide zero aid to anyone until our own deficit is eliminated. We will borrow zero money from anyone and will be financially beholden to no one.
#13. I will develop a reality TV program like American Idol-meets-energy-independence, where inventors compete with their innovations and inventions. Whomever wins gets $25 million.
#14. Anyone on welfare or unemployment will punch a time card for 40 hours per week and be either in some type of educational training, volunteer program, picking up litter on the side of the road or improving our roads. After 6 months, they will be tested for a skilled job, and if they cannot pass the test, they will be assigned a tutor to work with them until they can pass and get off of welfare.
#15. No one gets a driver’s license before age 18. After age 75, you need to be retested EVERY YEAR to ensure hearing,vision and cognitive abilities are up to snuff.
#16. Every person serves 2 years in the U.S. military. It’s the only way anyone–especially the lawmakers affecting the military and their VA benefits–will ever understand being in the shoes of a military veteran.
#17. Social Security will will be needs-tested. If you have millions in the bank and can live off of the interest, give your Social Security payments to those who truly need it.
#18. The “No Child Left Behind” program will be seriously reevaluated.
#19. A crisis plan will be in place (by that, I mean a REAL one, not just on paper) with very specific actions and equipment assigned for hurricanes, earthquakes, mud slides, fires or oil spills wiping out entire regions. If a governor sees a need, as Bobby Jindal did with the sand berms, he will be granted the authority to take action as needed to mitigate damage.
#20. Health insurance will be available beyond state lines.
#21. Tort reform WILL happen.
#23. When I say “my administration is transparent,” I will mean it. TV cameras WILL be allowed in everywhere. If someone meets with anyone in Congress to plead their case on any issue, it will be recorded on camera. The public WILL be allowed to read a bill 7 days prior to the vote.
#24. Medicare will not be forced upon anyone. People will be allowed to retain their own private health insurance after age 65.
#25. The device they unveiled on 60 Minutes a while back, which emits such an unbearable heat, you cannot walk toward it, will be set up on our borders. No one will get past it. Until that device is implemented, that border will be a wall of national guard troops. I don’t care how many it takes.
#26. NAMBLA will be outlawed. Period.
#27. Small businesses will be granted tax BREAKS like crazy until we reach a level where I see the economy and the stock market stabilizing.
#28. The Muppets (the old version, not that newer, caustic version with the double entendres) will be reinstated on Saturday night TV.
So there you have it. This is my platform. Love it, hate it or ignore it. When I’m president, this is the change you can expect. At least you’ll know it up front.
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