Denise McDonald Dorman

Posts Tagged ‘Congress’

Depraved Fun with Dictionary.Com

In Life Observations on September 12, 2010 at 4:27 pm

It happens to all of us — over time, that patina of newness and your partner’s eager puppy unceasing attention to your every utterance fades to black. You’ll know just when it happens – that moment when they forget to check first if you’re showering, and just flush the toilet at will, scalding you in your soaped up birthday suit…or that moment when it takes an act of Congress to get your partner’s attention over the din of the TV (in my husband’s case, shows like “Japanese Iron  Chef”) or the Sunday paper. My creative BFF Christina Bouvier has taught me her stealthy ninja secret to interrupting Dave’s TV coma. She has used this technique on her husband with a high degree of success. In her case, he gets sucked into old Twilight Zone episodes, or anything on the SyFy Channel (btw, the most brutally ridiculous brand name change in the history of TV – it should have remained SciFi Channel, imho. Are we supposed to pronounce this “Siffy”? WTF?!?).

So, if you’re looking to suck your husband’s…wait for it…attention…from the vortex of bad TV, here’s a great online tool to make it happen:

Go to Dictionary.com and find the most titillating term – perhaps at your house, it’s titillating? Anyhow, Bouvier usually types in “vagina” or “penis.” On Dictionary.com, there’s an audio option, so she just keeps hitting that audio button, over and over again–ad nauseum–as the robotic voice says “Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!” Eventually her hubby breaks his eye lock on the flat screen and looks up at her with disgust from Twilight Zone. The victory is all hers.

Kids, try this at home, and let me know how well it works for you!

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When I’m President: Change You CAN Believe

In Life Observations on June 7, 2010 at 9:41 pm

So Friday night was our secret society (S.H.I.T.S. meeting). Let me tell you, there’s no world problem that cannot be resolved when 5 smart women start shooting the shit.

Misty, my favorite Texan, had already emailed her idea for solving the oil spill to some link on BP’s Web site. Helen Thomas made her hideous, anti-Semitic comment that very day, so of course, we “went there” as wily women will do when they’re drinking vodka and offended. Misty declared, “You can’t even drink her pretty” in that southern drawl of hers, coupled with her slowly emerging, snarky grin. A debate ensued as to whether the Velveeta & Rotelle melted cheese dip would constipate us (hey, it is cheese, and cheese constipates) or create juice in the caboose (hey, it is chemically-produced cheese). Next up, I offered my expansive opinions on how to properly run the U.S. government, which I am stating here, although they’re much more abridged without vodka involved. Here’s my platform, and if you like it, elect me president next time out, okay?

#1. The Gold Standard will be reinstated. Our money will have actual value beyond the paper it’s printed on.

#2. Gays will be allowed to legally marry. I can’t BELIEVE this hasn’t happened already.

#3. Anchor babies will be outlawed.

#4. No one can serve more than 2 terms in Congress. Ever. Career politicans are outlawed.

#5. Lobbyists will be outlawed. If ever there was stronger case of the fox in the henhouse, it’s our system allowing lobbying.

#6. The flat tax of 30% will be enforced for a period of 4 years, and then we will evaluate the results.

#7. Marijuana will be legalized and taxed heavily to wipe out the deficit.

#8. Drilling will begin in Alaska’s Anwar immediately.

#9. The San Joaquin Valley will have their irrigation restored and that stupid smelt fish will be placed with velvet gloves into an aquarium somewhere to reproduce to its heart’s content.

#10.  Roe v. Wade won’t be overturned, but late-term abortion and abortion beyond 4 weeks of pregnancy will be outlawed.

#11. If you give up a child for adoption, you MUST submit your medical issues and updates to a private site so that the adoptee will have access to his/her medical information.

#12. We will provide zero aid to anyone until our own deficit is eliminated. We will borrow zero money from anyone and be beholden to no one.

#13. I will develop a reality TV program where American Idol -meets-energy-independence, showing the top 10 competitors developing their inventions. Whomever wins gets$25 million.

#14. Anyone on welfare or unemployment will punch a time card for 40 hours per week and be either picking up litter on the side of the road or improving roads. After 6 months, welfare will no longer be available to them.

#15. No one gets a driver’s license before age 18. After age 70, you need to be retested EVERY YEAR to ensure hearing,vision and cognitive abilities are up to snuff.

#16. Every person serves 2 years in the U.S. military.

#17. Social Security will go away.

#18. The “No Child Left Behind” program will be seriously reevaluated.

#19. A crisis plan will be in place (by that, I mean a REAL one, not just on paper) with very specific actions and equipment assigned for hurricanes, earthquakes, mud slides, fires or oil spills wiping out entire regions. If a governor sees a need, as Bobby Jindal did with the sand berms, he will be granted the authority to take action as needed to mitigate damage.

#20. Insurance companies will no longer be allowed to drop someone because of their illness. They must offer a plan to those with pre-existing conditions, even if it means a higher deductible for those people.

#21. Health insurance will be to available beyond state lines.

#22. Tort reform WILL happen.

#23. When I say proceedings are transparent, I will mean it. TV cameras WILL be allowed in. The public WILL be allowed to read a bill 7 days prior to the vote.

#24. Medicare will be outlawed. People will be allowed to retain their own private insurance after age 65.

#25. The device they unveiled on 60 Minutes a while back, which emits such an unbearable heat, you cannot walk toward it, will be set up on our borders. No one will get past it. Until that device is implemented, that border will be a wall of national guard troops. I don’t care how many it takes.

#26. NAMBLA will be outlawed. Period.

#27. Small businesses will be granted tax BREAKS like crazy until we reach a level where I see the economy and the stock market stabilizing.

#28. The Muppets will be reinstated on Saturday night TV.

So there you have it. This is my platform. Love it, hate it or ignore it. When I’m president, this is the change you can expect. At least you’ll know it up front.

Do You Care About Healthcare Reform? Here’s a List of Town Hall Meetings

In Uncategorized on August 10, 2009 at 11:57 pm

Here’s a link to Town Hall Meetings Nationwide:
http://frcaction.org/townhalls

For those of you in Illinois, here is a list of the local Town Hall Meetings:

Rep. Danny Davis

* 08/15 10:00 AM: Back-to-School Event – Kickoff Central and Bloomingdale, N. Central Avenue and Bloomingdale Avenue, Chicago, IL 60639
* 08/15 01:00 PM: Back-to-School Event – Columbus Park, S. Central Avenue and W. Jackson Boulevard, Chicago, IL 60644
* 08/22 09:00 AM: State of the District Town Hall – Malcolm X College, 1900 West Van Buren, Chicago, IL 60612
* 08/29 09:30 AM: Town Hall – 2nd Baptist Church of Maywood, 36 South 13th Avenue, Maywood, IL 60153

Rep. Jesse Jackson

* 08/18 06:00 PM – 07:30 PM: Town Hall – Sheldon Heights Church of Christ, 11249 S. Halstead Street, Chicago, IL 60628

Rep. Timothy Johnson

* 08/05 06:30 PM – 07:30 PM: Town Hall – Normal Liliary Community Room, 206 W. College Avenue, Normal, IL 61761
* 08/10 07:00 PM – 08:00 PM: Town Hall – Pontiac City Hall, 115 W. Howard Street, Pontiac, IL 61764

Rep. Janice Schakowsky

* 08/31 06:30 PM: Town Hall – Niles West High School Auditorium, 5701 Oakton Street, Skokie, IL 60077