Dear Gentle Readers,
As you may recall, my husband Dave and I are in a friendly–and occasionally heated–disagreement over using wet wipes v. toilet paper. (Reference one of my previous blog entries, which garnered the greatest amount of comments.) Team Dave errs on the side of toilet paper. Team Denise and my loyal apprentice Jack err on the side of spotless, sparkling assholes. This morning, Pat Hickey, our favorite plumber from Platinum Plumbing in Elburn, IL struck a single-handed blow to Team Denise. Team Dave is now safely and smugly heading toward his victory lap.
Let me just jump back 24 hours to demonstrate for you how weirdly coincidental my life is. I received a surprise $500 check yesterday for a social media consulting job I did. That check wasn’t supposed to come until 2011. I was out celebrating the surprise check when the sci-fi ring tone on my iPhone announced a call from Team Dave. It seemed that our ejector pump in the bathroom of Dave’s art studio was D.O.A. This meant raw sewage was puddling up onto the floor in his bathroom. I said a silent prayer of thanks we decided to slate tile that floor. First, Dave had to reassure me that it was only OUR raw sewage. The idea of other people’s raw sewage just made me gag. I mentally calculated how many gallons of bleach we had on hand. When I returned home, I realized no amount of fried bacon could mask the toxic stench. It was like getting a “Dutch Oven” from Sasquatch. And Pat the Plumber couldn’t get here until 7 a.m. the next morning. (We did learn that Jewel has buy one, get one free scented candles, if you’re in the market…)
There are four categories of people that I love, love, love to chew the fat with – nurses, undertakers, law enforcement and plumbers. I know. I’m weird. You don’t have to tell me. So before proffering my check this morning ($438 of my $500) I made our poor plumber regale me with his Top 10 Tales of the Grotesque. It was pretty damned satisfying stuff. I’ll just share the highlights. There are two things he wanted you, my Gentle Snowflakes, to know:
#1. Ass wipes clog toilets and septic systems. Those fluffy little clouds of unicorn tears were the culprit of our ejector pump’s early retirement. There were only 4 in there, but that was all it took. (None were Dave’s, he might want me to point out.) Pat explained that using the wipes on the first and second floor of our home would be safer, but was still ill advised. He has seen entire septic systems clogged with these wipes. (Naturally, I raced to Google these terms: “safe, biodegradable wet wipes.” Cottonelle brand came up right away, with snazzy marketing speak about all of the testing proving their biodegradability. Dave and Pat remained unmoved by my closing argument. Even BFF Christina Bouvier chided me that Jack and I had better “man up.”)
#2. You cannot flush tampons. Never, ever. I wish I could tell you the hilarious story Pat shared with me about this, but it’s probably best I don’t. It may have involved an all girls’ school with a head mistress who insisted they had never flushed tampons there…but that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Yours in safer septic systems,