Denise McDonald Dorman

The Bree Van de Kamp of Butt Crack Maintenance

In Life Observations on June 15, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Per usual, my phone conversation this morning with BFF Christina Bouvier devolved into talk of bodily functions. Today’s topic: the proper way to wipe one’s ass.

There is no more hotly contested debate in our home than the one my hubby and I have over wet butt wipes. Dave is against them. I am for them. My argument–and it’s a sound one–is that no one uses dry toilet paper to wipe the ass of a baby.  Why on earth should that change when we become adults and there’s even more ass crack real estate to divide and conquer?

Dave’s biggest gripe is that I have influenced our son, who flat-out refuses to poop away from home unless he knows that wet wipes are awaiting him. This sends Dave non-linear. I say hey, it’s not like he’s asking for wipes moistened in unicorn tears! Pick your battles! (I have the same issue about pooping away from home, but that’s because my ass knows when it’s sitting on its own toilet. I’m not alone in this– traveler’s constipation is the #1 complaint amongst my friends. Every girl’s-only vacation, this gets discussed ad nauseum.)

My friend Julcia confided one day that her neighbor is the true Bree Van De Kamp of Butt Crack Maintenance. Julcia’s neighbor gives her ass the Silkwood Treatment every time she poops, literally spraying rubbing alcohol onto her toilet paper. I find people’s quirks downright fascinating. The quirkier, the better. Her MacBeth-like obsession is giving “Out, damned spot!” a whole new perspective.

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  1. Handi-wipes. soothing,enjoyable

  2. When I saw Jaws at age three, I was terrified of the water. So much so that I started using the “three-point stance” in case a shark came out of the toilet water. When I started playing football at age 8, the coaches all remarked how flawless my stance was and how developed my thighs were. True story.

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